I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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