I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
