He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
