How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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