There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
