Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
