how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
