Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
