I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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