Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
