the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
