he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had sex on a dog bed..
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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