i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
