I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
