How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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