You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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