I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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