I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's just like the Real World with babies
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
