Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
