you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
