She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
