I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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