apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
