Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
