So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
time to smoke my breakfast
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
