He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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