Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i think i have two assholes
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
