i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
