IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
