i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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