the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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