if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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