even my farts smell like vagina
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
