So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
