I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
