First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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