Your face is a jimmy john
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
