Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
