i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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