I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
