I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
