Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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