why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How naked do you want me to be?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
