if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
