shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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