Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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