There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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