I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
