i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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