Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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